Get it? Because my name is Mal. And I'm inappropriate.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Plight of the MA, or WAH WAH WAH

At least three times a week, I wake up at 4:45 in the morning, dress in a black polo shirt, and a pair of black pants with frayed hems and faded knees--pants which I have been wearing five days a week for the last eight months. I brush my teeth, and stumble through the streets of Somerville half-asleep, jingling the key in my pocket to make sure it's there and I won't arrive at work only to find that I have to turn right around again. For the next eight hours, I steam milk, pump syrup, pull shots, clean up messes, get yelled at for pumping the wrong amount of syrup, wrestle with frozen sandwiches and 25 lb boxes of coffee, and talk to everyone--coworkers, customers, hangers-on--about jobs.

Because, you see, none of us have them. Or at least not the ones we want. Almost everyone I work with is a college grad, two of us have our MAs, all of us are currently looking for employment that doesn't involve a green apron. I have been searching now for 14 months, and am in the exact same position I was before I obtained my $45,000 education.

Now, I understand that I am lucky to have a job at all, and especially lucky to have received a promotion three months after I began working so that my wages are almost livable (emphasis on the "almost"), but that doesn't change the fact that I worked for 6 years getting the education that was supposed to set me apart, and all it did was delay my entrance into the work force and make me a full-time latte peddler instead.

And the job search, which should be a point of hope--every time I get an interview, for example, my mood should be lightened--has, in fact, become a continuous crushing blow to my confidence. Perhaps that is because I have had a particularly unlucky run. I was sent to the wrong interview by HR in one instance, which was quite possibly the most embarrassing and confusing experience of my life. I have interviewed for two jobs where there were internal applicants and I was a pawn in the HR game of equal opportunity. And in every instance where I have interviewed--EVERY SINGLE ONE--I have been assured that I was their second choice.

The biggest problem I face now is my own resolve. I somehow have to balance an overwhelming feeling of defeat, inadequacy, and, let's face it, failure, with the necessary confidence it takes to get a job in the first place. If you enter an interview with the attitude that you can't possibly get the job, then you won't get the job, but where can that confidence come from if you are told time and time again that although you are qualified for the position, and they really liked you, and your interview went very well, but "we just decided to go another way"? It's difficult to think anything but WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY FUCKING DO?!

I try to stick to the small glimmers of hope that I have, and the little superstitions that get me through the day. I will not, for instance, buy another pair of pants that meets dress code regulation because that would be a sign that I am giving in, that I am investing in my mocha-filled future, and that I will not get a job that I would actually mildly enjoy.

I know that I'm not alone here, and I know that there are hundreds of thousands of people in my exact same position, but that doesn't make it any easier. It really just reminds me of how many more people there are out there that I can come in second to.

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